The love of a mother...
This is an open letter to my mother, and for anyone who has a mother that left or died too young...
Mom, if you are reading this, please know first and foremost that I love you deeply and I only want you to experience peace and great love in your life. I am doing well and pursuing peace in my own life, but I have a hole in my heart that only your love, as my mother, can ever satisfy. I also know how much anger and hurt eats the one who carries it. I want you to know how much you are missed by me.
I am an adult now, with assumed responsibilities, friendships and unique experiences. I fully accept responsibility for my entire life, my behavior, creating what I want and how I respond to the world. I strive to live a life with integrity and ownership by making choices that I am proud of. There is no blame left in me, only my sincere thoughts put into words to express that your absence remains a dark spot in my life. As an adult, I have found ways to maneuver around this feeling, yet I am also fully aware that the love for myself and the subsequent love for others has been shaped by the way I felt love, or didn't feel love, from you. I have struggled with intimate relationships and I climb closer to the light every day in pursuit of a deep connection with another person. Through many years of conscience work and patience with myself, I am now confident I will find it. :)
I have never allowed myself to feel unconditional love and I am now aware more than ever how much my relationship with you has impacted my ability to receive love from others. This has been my greatest life challenge and I have accepted the responsibility to heal myself by remaining open, experiencing vulnerability and love myself without condition. I owe myself the lighness of peace and love and so do you. I now understand that you had a similar experience in your young life and I believe that you were not equipped to give your children what you didn't have for yourself - self love. It hurts me deeply to think of the pain you have experienced and I forgive you for the hurt I have experienced as your child. I hope you can forgive yourself for the heaviness you must carry in your heart as our mother.
This holiday I was reminded of just how important the bond between a mother and child is. I see my friends reuniting with family and I find myself longing for a loving mother who looks after me in a way that only a mother does. I do not believe motherhood ever ends, nor does the love of your children. I will carry our relationship throughout my life and to my grave. The mother-child relationship may be the most important relationship we will ever have in this life, and without it, we suffer the loss. Our loving relationship disappeared in my life at 10 years old and I chose not to have children at a young age, because I never wanted anyone else to experience the hurt of loss that I felt. I have heard people say "just get over it and move on", but love just doesn't work that way. I need to tell you these things so that I can move forward in my life without pain and offer you my unconditional love and understanding in return. I want you to heal too.
I am almost 44 now mom and I still feel the deep desire to have you in my life. What makes it even more difficult is to know that you are alive and out in the world. You have made the choice not to share your love with your children who have always felt the longing for a healthy relationship with you. We have each been affected in different ways by the loss of our mother. As an adult, I too feel the weight of the world, but I also know without a doubt that I would have made different choices for my children, and I know in your heart you must feel the same great sense of loss. We are still your precious, loving children who crave their mother, even as adults, just as the infants you gave birth to.
I hope you have a wonderful Holiday mom. I am forever open to having you in my life and giving us the opportunity to repair and exchange our love. Regardless, I will press forward in my life and do my very best to create healthy relationships full of love, respect and kindness. I hope that wherever you are, you are experiencing the intensity of love and peace in your life.
Merry Christmas Mom!
Your loving child
P.S. Thank you Adele for giving us the music to lift our hearts and share our love. Listen to "WHEN WE WERE YOUNG".